Lawyers, wouldn't it be a wonderful world
without them? You bet, and these jokes sure do
reassure the notion that they are an awful spices.
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were
overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's
yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My
Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"
asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?"
asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car,
and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a
sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the
driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he
screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic
tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came
by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS
JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a
lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what
does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA!
Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is
your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left
arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at
his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He
then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But
why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be
dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of
but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to
give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked
if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial
because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look
at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that
dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your
Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the
jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally
managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward
to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs
of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why
didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and
the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my
condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided
it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this
creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the
window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not
himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence
the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany
it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his
lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on
the bench, and walked out.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents
did for a living. Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!" Little
Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a
The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so
she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening
to discuss the situation. Little Johnny's father explained,
"Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain
that to a seven year old kid!"
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician
that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she
wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you
enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no
reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you
like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman
was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend
and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied,
"Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire,
so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you
doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real
estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and
here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked
puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"